Phil: Hello, DanandPhilGames pumpkin patches! Dan: Wow, uh, are you ever gonna run out of spooky things to say? Phil: No Definitely not! Dan: So here we are… Dan: Spooky week day THREE Phil: Threeeee… -Dan: Dun dun dun.. Dan: As you can see, I-I’m ready to be the spook myself. Phil:Got the spooky horns.. I got the spooky jellyfish – which when you think about it, Phil: They’re quite spooky – Phil: *Giggle* Stop it.. -Dan: Sorry Phil: When you think about it they are quite spooky, aren’t they? D: They are among the world’s most disturbing and terrifying beasts.
P: Yeah. P: So I thought I should pick the game today.
D: (suspiciously) Okay…I’m kind of worried, right… P: So I’ve selected something that I saw our friends Duncan and Mimei play. And I thought it’d be good for today.
D: Okay… P: Yeah.
D: Am I gonna know anything about it at all? P: I just think it might be a happy, more cheerful mid-week kind of game. D: (more suspiciously) …Right. P: All right, let’s load it up! D: Okay, um…
P: Here we go! Can Your Pet! I love the music! D: C…”Can Your Pet?”
D: Can your pet what? P: Well, I guess we’ll unravel those mysteries, Dan.
D: Okay, right…I like the funky music. P: Yeah.
D: But it’s not very sinister, I’m gonna say… P: No! Like I said, it’s just a nice mid-week fun game to play! I think you should control this one, Dan.
D: Yeah, I agree, after the debacle that was sally.exe. P: Yeah.
D: All right. P: Oh, look, it follows you around!
D: Aw! Look, and – one eye at a time! Wow. P: That’s a bit weird.
D: Impressive control to be able to do that. P: I can do that, look! D: …Impressed or concerned, I’m not really sure. P: Let’s go!
D: Let’s find out what the pet can do! P: Okay, so first of all you have to name your pet…what do you want to call it? D: (laughs) “Susan 4.” Um… Tweety.
P: Tweety Howlter. Let’s do that. Oops.
D: Great typing, Phil. P: It’s your stupid mechanical keyboard!
D: Ohhhh, blame the keyboard. Tweety! There we go.
P: Tweety! D: Probably the least original name for a bird ever. Right. Next. P: He’s alive! D: Oh, hello there! Hi!
P: So first of all, we can decorate Tweety. So if you press the ribbon… D: Re – oh my god! I am OBSESSED with pet decorating! You should have seen me in Nintendogs.
P: Oh really?
D: It ruined my life for a teenage period. P: Did you have the platinum bone around his neck? D: I…yeah, I did, I lived vicariously through my Labradors for a long time.
P: Wow. D: I miss them. Are they still there, sat in my dusty DS cartridge?! P: Don’t think about that. All my Animal Crossing characters…dead to the world. D: WHAT WASTELAND OF TAMAGOTCHI CORPSES HAVE WE LEFT BEHIND?!
P: LET’S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT. D: Oh god, okay, um. P: You can have random custom, so keep pressing that…
D: We did random custom with Dil, let’s not make that mistake again. Right, so what have we got here? P: We’ve got a little ribbon…
D: Sassy… (laughs) P: I like that hair!
D: I…Yeah, yeah, that’s very us, it’s it? Okay. Eye accessories? P: Ooh, what kind of eyes?
D: Okay, so we can have those…that’s – okay, that’s very me, actually. That’s quite kawaii.
P: I hate those eyes! It’s like, “I’m DEAD TO THE WORLD!” D: You can get those on the Mii, and they’re terrifying as well.
P: I know! It’s like a zombie eye. D: Wow, I like…ohhh, those or those?
P: (anime voice) Kawaii! D: I like those.
P: Aw, yeah, they’re really cute! D: V anime. Body.
P: Let’s see what you get! A tie? Just a tie and nothing else? Why do these animals not wear proper clothes?! D: Seriously. What’s with all this animal nudity on YouTube? Someone has to stop it. P: He suits that, whatever that is!
D: That’s like, a kimono. Or that, or that… …or that, or that…I’m gonna go for that. P: Oh really?
D: Yeah, it’s very High School Musical. And then “etcetera.” What’s in that? Freckles…
P: Freckles! Aww… D: Freckles, uh…chest hair, mustache, a scar…
P: A scar! D: Or some cute cheeks…I’m gonna go with freckles. P: What about a scar? I mean, it is Spooky Week. Just get a little bit of spooks in there! D: WHAT’S HIS ORIGIN STORY. What’s Tweety’s dark past in the asylum?! P: There we go, so we’ve got him decorated…aw, he likes it! Look how happy he is! D: (laughs) Okay, I like this game. Right…uh… Alright, so what have we got here? That there’s his heart, that’s his name, that is the time of day and the time… P: And then you can click “food” to give him some food, ’cause his food bar is low.
D: Oh, is that his food bar? Okay. Right, so let’s…let’s feed him. There you go, Tweety. Om-nom-nom-nom.
P: Om-nom-nom-nom-nom. D: Wow, he ate the bag as well.
P: He did.
D: He ain’t complaining. P: He ate paper. Eat the seeds, Tweety! D: Aaaand…bar full! P: There, he’s full.
D: There we go. What’s the next one?
P: All right, now we can give him a wash, because he’s getting a bit stinky. D: I was so great at showering my dogs. What, he doesn’t like it? Come on, you smelly cow. I want him to be full cleanliness. I wanna…
P: Full cleanliness. P: If this is in California, there’s a water shortage. Stop using all the water! D: I don’t think we’re roleplaying as a Californian bird, Phil.
P: Okay. D: All right, so what’s the next one? Uh…activities. P: So you can do some weight-lifting…I’m not sure his arms can, uh, what is that? We can play with a football!
D: Is it a ball? Oh, okay. There you go. P: Just glued it to his head. D: (laughs) It was like “Let me just apply it to your face.” Header it! Go! Boop!
P: Boink! D: Oh! Oh! There we go!
P: Oh, you’re playing a game! D: This is frickin’ gaming right here, guys, look at this. Who needs a – okay. P: Who needs a PS4, right? D: (snorts) Yeah, literally. Come on, s – oh my god, I’m so bad. I’m literally worse than my brand-new bird pet. We can keep it going!
P: We can keep going! Head it!
D: C’mon, Tweety! Oh, yeah, look at this, we’ve got a good rally going!
P: Boink! Boink! Boink! Boink! P: Why do I keep saying “Boink”?
D: I am somehow better at this virtual game of back-and-forth than I would be when relying on my real hand-eye coordination. Oop! P: I once did two kick-ups, you know. At school.
P: Bow-bow. Everyone was like, “Whoa, Phil.” “I didn’t expect you to do any.” D: “Calm down, all right, Phil, stop showing o – ” Literally. P: Tweety’s, like, really low on food again.
D: Oh, my god, he’s like, dying again. Wow, this thing is demanding. P: Yeah, definitely.
D: Oh god.
P: Okay, just give him a bit of a shower. D: Why doesn’t he like it?!
P: I don’t know! D: Smelling nice is important!
P: (giggles) D: Even if you’re just inside on the Internet all day.
P: Yeah. I currently smell of cinnamon. D: Do you?
P: Yeah, shower gel. Smell it. D: You do… (laughs) Wow, you do, actually! P: I’m like a human pumpkin spice latte.
D: All you’ve ever aspired to be. Why can’t we do the gaming option? Do you have to, like…
P: I don’t know why you can’t do the gaming. Maybe…he needs more exercise on that bicycle first. D: Ummmm… Well, the last thing I want to do is exercise, even though this head-butting is quite like exercise.
P: Yeah. But maybe Tweety needs it, though. D: Oh god, what happens if that, like, drains? Does he, like, die because he’s too smelly or something?
P: I hope not! It’s quite hard, isn’t it? D: Wow, is this what actual childcare is like? ‘Cause ain’t nobody got time for this. P: They should make lots of people play this who are thinking of having children. D: And then they’ll be like, “Wow, I couldn’t maintain my little pet for five minutes.” P: Did you ever have to have an egg at school and look after it?
D: No. P: We had to have, like, ac –
D: With real birds?!
P: No! We had, like –
D: Oh, my god. I was about to say – P: We had actual baby dolls that we had to take home and look after. It was really weird.
D: That’s creepy. I like the little happy face he does when you feed him! Oh, come on! There we go.
P: Do you want to know a secret?
D: Yes? P: I took the battery out of my baby doll. D: What.
D: Phil, you fiend.
P: I did. D: Well, these options don’t seem to be working at all, so let’s go for the exercise and see what happens.
P: All right. D: Let’s get bikey! P: Yaaaay!
D: Oh, what, do I have to drag i – what? Hello? Oh my – OH MY GOD! OH MY G O D!! WHAT?! W H A T. WHAT?!? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. P: (laughing) Are you okay? I’m sorry.
D: Oh my god. What the f…I wasn’t prepared for that. P: (cracking up) Why do I find this so funny!?
D: You let me maintain him JUST long enough to get emotio – Wait. P: “Can” your pet. D: Ca – “Can Your Pet.” Okay. Okay. Right. Okay, I get it. HA HA.
P: I’m sorry. D: Very funny. So that’s what the whole point of this is?
P: Yeah. D: They make you DECORATE and NAME this thing, and then just, you know, give it a good life for a brief moment, and then destroy it.
D: Wow. D: Is this, like, some PETA™ propaganda or something?
P: I have no idea. D: Because it should be if it isn’t, bloody hell. P: Are you traumatised? D: WHY IS ITS NAME ON THE CAN. That is unnecessary. P: I know, and its little hair is still there as well.
D: NooooOOOO, TWEETY! P: He had a good life!
D: He was so well-bathed! I feel like that was some, like, incredible metaphor for society or something. That’s just… That was fucked up. P: Well, there we go! That was Can Your Pet! Oh! I didn’t know that happened! D: You didn’t know this happened?! What is this horrifying thing? “F…U…Game!” There we go, that’s how I’m feeling right now. Look, Timmy –
P: Wha – THERE’S TWEETY! D: NOOOOOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOO. OH MY GOD, THAT’S MESSED UP.
P: THAT IS SICK AND WRONG. I didn’t know that happened! D: Oh my god, it’s just there?
P: It’s just there, sat in the room. D: This is literally so much worse than any horror game I’ve ever played. P: It’s so disturbing.
D: Holy shit. Oh my god, so they actually force you to look after it for a bit?! This is…oh my god, who made this game. You sick bastard. P: I want to see what the random customs are. Okay, the next one that you press is you. (giggles) That is definitely Dan.
D: I love this game. P: Well, how about we just close the game on this one, and then he’ll stay alive forever? D: Is that how that works? Can we do that, d’you reckon?
P: I think we could. Although then he’ll technically starve to death if we don’t keep feeding him, so. I guess either way it just ends badly.
D: Oh god, so we’re just stuck in this forever. P: Well, I guess this is our lives now. Looking after poor “f u game.”
D: Oh my god, I CAN’T, Phil, if I stop, he’s gonna get CANNED. P: He is!
D: What do I do?!
P: I don’t know! Right, I think you should can him so at least he’s with Tweety in heaven. D: I’M SORRY. I’M SORRY! Oh m – I can’t believe it flips the bike. That is…I honestly had no idea that was gonna happen. Well, uh, what can I say, Phil, you… …you motherfluffer. P: Sorry.
D: You got me. P: I thought it’d be fun to prank you for once!
D: I was like, “Where is this going?” Because it is Spooky Week, so I knew you picked it for a reason! But I- I forgot. I forgot! I forgot it was- I forgot this was behind us, I forgot it was the spooky season… I was just enjoying my friend. And then, there we go. Well.
P: There’s f u game. D: F you, game! Don’t think I could say it any better than that! P: So thanks for watching! I’m sorry if that traumatized anyone out there! Definitely traumatized Dan. Give this a thumbs up in Tweety’s memory! D: Noooooo, too soon! P: And click subscribe for more…friendly…horror games. D: Whatever the rest of Spooky Week’s gonna be, it is not gonna be as harrowing as that, I can tell you. P: No.
D: That was some Bambi shit right there.
P: Definitely was. Click up here to watch us playing Sally.exe! D: Which, even though it had more blood, I am left so much more emotionally terrorized right now. Okay, I’m off to go contemplate society, life, the value of, you know, humans, and… cry for five hours. P: Everyone out there, go stroke a pigeon! Or maybe don’t, ’cause they’re kind of diseased. But. Maybe a little chick. D: Thanks for showing me the game, Phil. Both: Bye.